Why is it So Hard to “Just Ask”?
Hi friend,
This week’s blog is a little different. Last weekend I spoke on a panel at QB Convene, a conference for current and former QuestBridge scholars. QuestBridge scholars all come from very low-income backgrounds, so if you didn’t, this advice might not apply the same way— but hopefully it will help you practice empathy and support others in your career.
When you grow up poor, you learn not to ask for things very quickly.
I remember the first time I got to buy new clothes. A woman in our church gave my mother a couple hundred dollars for back to school shopping when I was entering 6th grade (I have four younger siblings), and I picked a tan colored shirt with a copper design that looked like little coins from the sale rack at JCPenny. Before that, it was second hand shops, hand-me-downs, and occasional gifts.
When you grow up poor, the answer to: “Can we get that?” is always no. You learn that asking for things hurts adults’ feelings; that they feel frustrated or sad sometimes about telling you no. You learn that asking for things gets you lectures about saving money and doing without, and how there is some kind of character or moral fortitude that comes from having nothing. You learn not to ask.
In poor communities, when people have something, they are quick to tell others, and quick to share. “I have extra, who needs some?” You share what you can proactively, because next month someone will share with you. You share what you can proactively, because everyone else has learned not to ask.
When you grow up with enough, if you need something you ask.
In the white-collar business world, most of your colleagues and managers grew up with enough. They might not have been rich, but they weren’t eating from food pantries, or worried about the electricity being shut off. Whenever they needed something, they could ask. And, in fact, when they wanted things, they could also ask. They probably (hopefully) didn’t get every toy they asked for, but they probably got some of the things on their wish list for birthdays and holidays. They learned that it never hurts to ask, because sometimes the answer is yes.
Anyway, we’re getting to the career advice part: if you’re climbing out of poverty, one of the most powerful things you can do for your career is overcoming a life-long practice of not asking for things. A raise, a promotion, an opportunity to work on a project, budget for your professional development, more flexibility in your schedule, an introduction to that person, a new job— your managers and colleagues who grew up better off are operating under the assumption that if you need something, you will ask. They will rarely offer these things to you, but it doesn’t mean the answer will always be no.
It’s hard, really hard, to unlearn these deep childhood lessons, but I think understanding what motivates that behavior can help you change it. And if you grew up with enough, I would encourage you to practice offering; check in with your colleagues to see what they might need or want, and advocate for others.
See you next week,
Karissa
